Balancing Parents-Kids-Grandparents Relationship

My parents and in-laws are very close to our first child, Kalel, because he's the first grandchild in both sides (You probably know where this blog is going). As early as 6 months old, he would already sleep over at Gua-mah and Amah's (Grandmas in tagalog) homes without us.  We just make sure he has his nanny with him. That went on every weekend, and alternate.  One weekend at his Guama's place (my mom's), the next weekend at his Amah's place (my in-law's). D and I were ok with this set up.  It was actually healthy for us because we'd be able to go out and have fun a bit. This went on for the next 2 years.

The challenge now arises.  I realized having this set up opens up some issues like: 

1.  Expectations - Our parents are both from the south area so switching homes are not a problem.  Its the expectation that we'll visit every time were in the south that is the problem. 

2.  Coordination - Who's going to pick up, what time and where. Miscomm is very easy to commit. 

3.  Spoiling - I think this is the most common challenge. Grandparents like buying their "apos"toys. For Kalel, he would get new toys every week.  I don't mean this in a bad way, don't get me wrong. New toys are great, but getting them every week is not healthy. They lose the sense of patience and they don't take care of their old toys. And toys are not cheap.  Just the other day, he intentionally broke his arrows and told me to buy him new ones. And of course, I didn't. 

In everything we do, we try our very best to honor and respect our parents. We love them and they know best. And we also want our children to have, not just good, but the best relationship and memories with their grandparents. So its very difficult to manage these situations.  

Here are tips (I think) to help us be the parent we want to be and still respecting OUR parents: 

1. Let go of the small issues - Best to not sweat the small stuff.  If we can let go of small concerns, then let's do it.  Its too small to ruin the relationship.  I personally noticed that grandparents can be emotional.   They may take corrections in a bad way. 

2. Give them new info - Since info is so easy to get online (and not all parents are familiar with how the internet works), let's share our new learnings with them in a polite way.  For instance, I asked my mom one time on how to properly clothe my newborn.  And she said "Your sister looked it up online and it said newborns should have one layer more from what were wearing. So if were wearing sando, they should wear short sleeves". I was amazed she actually believed what the internet said, haha! 

3.  Meet them halfway - If everything they're doing is not ok with us, then let's bargain.  I remember this past summer, my mom would always take his grandchildren swimming. As in everyday, morning and afternoon. And I was scared that Kalel might get colds. He's thin so he easily gets cold.  So I asked her if they can go swimming in the morning and just go to the park in the afternoon.  So its win-win situation. 

4.  Listen to them - There's no harm in listening.  We don't always want the things we hear but its a sign of respect. In these situations, I just say ok in everything, unless I have a better idea. Haha! 

5.  Be firm - Sometimes grandparents can insist on what they want. If what they want would be harmful, like swimming morning and afternoon for a week, then we should also be firm on our decision by giving examples of past situations.  Like, I could tell my mom that Kalel easily gets colds and can lead to coughing, and hope that she'll understand. When she's calmer, then we'll discuss parameters on swimming rules. 

These are not easy but here is my personal saying: Try and try until both everyone is happy.

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Handling Our Eldest

I knew it will be a challenge to take care of my eldest's needs when the new baby arrives. I've seen this with my sister when she got pregnant 9 months after giving birth. That's why we really planned to have our second when he's at least 3 years old. This way we've spent enough time with him and given him enough attention.

So as soon as we found out about the pregnancy, we'd "brainwash" him (in a good way) everyday that he'll be a "kuya" or older brother and we would need his help in taking care of the new baby. We'll even ask him to lay hands on my tummy and pray for the baby.

A few weeks before giving birth, our Pedia gave us a heads up on Kalel's possible behavioral changes once the new baby arrives. She said there are possibilities of regression like peeing or pooping in unusual places, lots of crying and a lot more.

Honestly, we felt we were prepared for these changes but no, we were wrong. Kalel definitely regressed. Now, he's harder to feed, cries a lot, asks for things that really out of this world. We're also having a hard time to talk to him to explain things.

Ergo, we need help! According to this checklist, here are some things we can do.

- Set aside special time for your older child.  Each parent should spend some one-on-one with the older child every day.  It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child (and help their behavior!).  Let your child choose the activity, and you follow their lead.

- Listen—really listen—to how your child feels about the baby and the changes in your family.  If they express negative feelings, acknowledge them.  Help your child put their feelings into words.  Never deny or discount your child’s feelings.

- Make sure it is very clear that absolutely no hurting is allowed.  Give your child other ways to express bad or angry feelings they may have toward the baby.  For example, they could draw an angry picture of the baby, or act out their wishes with dolls, or roar like a lion.

- “Baby” your child, if that’s what they seem to crave.  This may help stave off regression in areas that are less acceptable to you.  There is a tendency to suddenly expect your child to become more independent when you have a new baby.  If you expect less independence, you are more likely to get more!

- Have the new baby and older child exchange gifts. - Have some special “big brother” or “big sister” gifts to give your child as friends and relatives start showing up with baby gifts, so your older child won’t feel left out.

- Remind visitors to pay attention to your older child, and not just the baby.

- Make sure the older child has some special, private space, and things of their own that they don’t have to share with the baby. - Give them special jobs that they can do to help the family and help with the baby’s care (but don’t overdo it—take your cue from your child on this). 

- Let them participate in the baby’s care—baths, dressing, pushing the stroller, etc.

- Point out the benefits of being an older child, like choosing what to eat, being able to go the park and play, and having friends.

And let me just add this last tip:

- Have a LOT OF PATIENCE. Don't yell at the child. Speak with a calm tone while kneeling down and looking at him eye-to-eye. (Gosh! This is the hardest to do!)

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The Genius in Tithing

Malachi 3:10 - Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.  Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.

Don't you just love this verse? Just read it over and over again and you will be fully encouraged (especially when we are financially challenged).

This is a verse we always here in church and this is of course one of my favorite verses in the Bible.

Its been a month since we last attended church (because I can't leave Sky yet, and I miss church!).  Me and D have always believed that everything comes from God and we can't boast of anything. And tithing is just one way to thank and show Him that we fully trust Him.

Here's the genius in tithing > The more you're in lack, the more you should give. How ironic right?

And we see this as a test for God because He said it in His word "Test me in this..." This is the only verse where God says we can actually test Him.

Our cash flow has been fully tested this past 2 months because of overlapping expenses, but God has been faithful to His promise.  Looking at our bank books, I still don't know how He did it.

To God be the glory.

Overcoming Postpartum

I must admit, my first postpartum was very difficult for several reasons. First, for the most obvious reason, it was my fist time to be a mom and I didn't have any idea how to handle a newborn. Second, I was just adjusting to condo living (where space is very limited and I can be claustrophibic). And third, I was also adjusting to the new lifestyle - being a mom and a wife. 

My mom would always visit and help on the baby and every time she would leave, I would cry. Even when relatives visit, I would also cry when they leave. I felt I as going crazy. I wanted to divorce my husband. D, my husband, would enjoy his normal life - gym, drinks with friends, play station, while I suffer sleepless nights, breastfeeding and a big belly (even after giving birth!). There was a point I asked my doctor if I can have medicines. She didn't give me medicines but only said to call her if I felt like hurting the baby. Thank God I didn't reach that point. The most I felt was I wanted to bring back the baby to the hospital. Haha! 

After going thru the first one, I was more prepared for the second wave. Even D was now prepared to handle my mood swings. This time, I made myself busy with the business and in designing our new home and most of all, I decided even in day zero that I'll enjoy every minute with Sky, our newborn. 

So I would say I've overcome my postpartum this time in less than a months time, feels great! 

Here are some links you'd want to read to prepare you for postpartum or what's normally called "baby blues" 


http://www.babycenter.com/0_postpartum-depression-and-anxiety_227.bc 
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/

Re-Start.

Used to blogging under www.chuabells.com 3 years ago but was deleted when I wasn't able to renew it on time. Tsk Tsk Tsk. So here I am creating a totally new one. It's never too late. I just feel sad for my write ups. Anyway, here's another chapter in my life - 2 kids, employed, growing a business and trying to get back in shape the soonest possible time.

I like writing short stories about my adventures, activities, realizations, ideas, concepts and a whole lot more. I personally don't like reading long blogs, I get bored and tend to read only the first few and last paragraphs (talk about ADD!)

Cheers!