Handling Our Eldest

I knew it will be a challenge to take care of my eldest's needs when the new baby arrives. I've seen this with my sister when she got pregnant 9 months after giving birth. That's why we really planned to have our second when he's at least 3 years old. This way we've spent enough time with him and given him enough attention.

So as soon as we found out about the pregnancy, we'd "brainwash" him (in a good way) everyday that he'll be a "kuya" or older brother and we would need his help in taking care of the new baby. We'll even ask him to lay hands on my tummy and pray for the baby.

A few weeks before giving birth, our Pedia gave us a heads up on Kalel's possible behavioral changes once the new baby arrives. She said there are possibilities of regression like peeing or pooping in unusual places, lots of crying and a lot more.

Honestly, we felt we were prepared for these changes but no, we were wrong. Kalel definitely regressed. Now, he's harder to feed, cries a lot, asks for things that really out of this world. We're also having a hard time to talk to him to explain things.

Ergo, we need help! According to this checklist, here are some things we can do.

- Set aside special time for your older child.  Each parent should spend some one-on-one with the older child every day.  It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child (and help their behavior!).  Let your child choose the activity, and you follow their lead.

- Listen—really listen—to how your child feels about the baby and the changes in your family.  If they express negative feelings, acknowledge them.  Help your child put their feelings into words.  Never deny or discount your child’s feelings.

- Make sure it is very clear that absolutely no hurting is allowed.  Give your child other ways to express bad or angry feelings they may have toward the baby.  For example, they could draw an angry picture of the baby, or act out their wishes with dolls, or roar like a lion.

- “Baby” your child, if that’s what they seem to crave.  This may help stave off regression in areas that are less acceptable to you.  There is a tendency to suddenly expect your child to become more independent when you have a new baby.  If you expect less independence, you are more likely to get more!

- Have the new baby and older child exchange gifts. - Have some special “big brother” or “big sister” gifts to give your child as friends and relatives start showing up with baby gifts, so your older child won’t feel left out.

- Remind visitors to pay attention to your older child, and not just the baby.

- Make sure the older child has some special, private space, and things of their own that they don’t have to share with the baby. - Give them special jobs that they can do to help the family and help with the baby’s care (but don’t overdo it—take your cue from your child on this). 

- Let them participate in the baby’s care—baths, dressing, pushing the stroller, etc.

- Point out the benefits of being an older child, like choosing what to eat, being able to go the park and play, and having friends.

And let me just add this last tip:

- Have a LOT OF PATIENCE. Don't yell at the child. Speak with a calm tone while kneeling down and looking at him eye-to-eye. (Gosh! This is the hardest to do!)

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